your departure

These days, I have so much to write about that my thoughts are a jumble. I have so much to say, yet I struggle to put my thoughts into words. This may be due to my absence in writing, but I shall give it a go. 

(November 9th, 2018)

Today marks a month—

A month ago, as I woke up, I prepared myself to bid farewell to you. Exactly a month ago, I watched you walk away from my sight. It's been a month since we said our goodbyes.

The first few days without you were the hardest. I felt lost and empty. I repeatedly asked myself, "Where do I go now? How do I start again?" I distanced myself from people and sought comfort in solitude. I can honestly say, even with time, it doesn't get easier. People often tell me it will get better, or that time will heal me, but these are merely empty phrases meant to comfort, though they don't quite do the job.

I miss you, and it hits me naturally—when I hear people using phrases you'd casually say, walking past places we've been, listening to our favourite songs, watching our team's football matches, being with our friends and noticing your absence, hearing people mention your name as if you're still here, when your presence is nowhere to be found. 

You weren't just someone I fell deeply in love with; you were my best friend, my comfort zone. You were my shoulder to cry on during my inner struggles, my support when the world felt like it was crashing down. You were there through it all—my highs, my lows—lifting me up and reminding me never concede defeat.

From time to time, I still do feel upset. I often go to bed with a heavy heart, wondering if i'll wake up stronger the next day. I still feel disappointed. But I can't and won't blame you for what happened. I know you never intended for things to end this way. I understand that in this situation, we both made sacrifices. However, it's hard to accept how it all ended—not because we wanted it this way, but because time wasn't on our side.

Despite everything, I hope you're doing well. I hope you achieve great things and find genuine happiness. You're truly a remarkable person with a pure heart and a generous soul, and I hope everyone sees you the way I do. I hope you're loved. Even though we've grown apart so painfully, I won't pretend that, at one point, you weren't one of life's greatest blessings. I remember the butterflies in my stomach every time I saw you. I remember falling in love with every part of you—your beautiful and giving heart, your infectious joy, your profound mind. I have been blessed with many gifts in this life, and knowing you was one of them.

As I write this, I'm learning to let go slowly. I'll let fate decide what's best for both of us, believing in what's meant to be, who's meant to be. Maybe we're better off this way, perhaps a brighter tomorrow awaits us. Or maybe it's just my mind trying to soothe my heart. No matter how much I wished for it, things couldn't stay the same forever. But I know for certain that a part of me will always belong to you—a piece of my heart that will forever be yours.

Maybe I'm being dramatic (very dramatic), and perhaps i'm too young to be this heartbroken over someone (100% sis no man is worth this sadness), but you were incredibly special. No one will ever understand what we had. So I'll take my time to heal, however long my heart needs.