Birthday Quarantine

[April 10]

Hello to you, who decided to stop by. Inserting my usual phrase after being on hiatus; i'm back! I despise myself for not posting anything for over a year after telling myself that i'd keep my blog up to date. Honestly, each time I get on my blog, as I start typing bout whatever there is to talk about, my anxiety will swoosh in out of nowhere and defeat me *exits blog*. But here I am, let's hope I make it till the end. 

Aries, all rise! Although it's kinda unfortunate that we have to be in quarantine during our birthdays. But let's look into the bright side shall we! 

This year was like never before, as we all know, it's quarantine szn. So that means no outdoor celebrations and social gatherings whatsoever. My birthday was quieter compared to previous years. I only celebrated with my small family at home, just the four of us. No complains though, I finally get to be with my family on my birthday after 3 years of celebrating abroad. This year was all about sweet treats! My family and friends got me boba, cinnamon rolls, burnt cheesecake, frappe, a pink flamingo chocolate cake and my favourite fruit cake. Honestly, ever since this Movement Control Order started, I have been craving for a truckload of desserts. So, thank you..u guys, for fulfilling my wants. So much for healthy eating hahah. I was showered with so much love through phone calls, video calls, and just mere messages from those far from me. So.. yeah, I just turned 22! I don't have much to express here as I am not one to openly share my heart out, just feeling blessed to still be around, healthy and content as ever. My expectations towards turning a year older is for me to just keep growing into a better and healthier version of myself, to learn to love myself bit by bit, and to always keep this heart of mine full by doing what makes me truly happy, also to keep myself surrounded with the people who makes me feel good about myself. Looking back to the past years, I think I've somehow been unfair to myself by pressuring myself into thinking that I had to achieve so much before I reach a specific age and it didn't matter to me if I had to do the things that brought me no joy at either end of the spectrum or forced me to exceed my mental capacity. Then, I learned that there is no time limit to achieving our goals and I had to learn it the hard way. However, it has also made me turn to appreciate my everyday accomplishments and I feel a lot more at ease now as i'm taking it one step at a time. Ok enough :D bout :D my :D life :D

Whoops, nope. More about me down here, because uhh, it's my birthday post soo with regards to turning 22, here are 22 random facts about myself. Yes, please just pretend to be interested. 

1. I used to hate my name growing up, because my teachers would always pronounce it wrong and some of my friends would make fun of it. But I've come to love my name after understanding the meaning behind it and I find it unique, people compliment my name too and am very much proud of it. ^-^
2. I'm very competitive, especially when it comes to sports, particularly track and field. You'd see me cry on the field for getting silver. 
3. A sucker for hand-written letters, handmade gifts, and sentimental values. 

4. Even if the battery on my watch is dead or simply doesn’t work, i’ll still wear it. I mean, I still have my phone to check the time :p

5. Not a coffee drinker and i'm. so. glad. 
6. A cry baby. I could cry over the smallest inconvenience. But i'm also fierce. Haha 
7. I love my bangtan boys soooo much and am not afraid to express it. My first BTS concert was at Wembley Stadium, in London last year.
8. I consider myself an introvert but I do enjoy socializing, though i'd pick staying home/ hanging out with small groups of people over a huge party any day. But then again, I enjoy going for social events too.. yes I myself am confused too. 
9. I dislike taking selfies. You will find zero selfies of me on my phone and social media. 
10. I have stage fright, I hate doing presentations, I hate talking in front of a crowd. I can get really nervous to the point I cry.. cry baby right. 
11. I do not like to talk about my feelings, I'd rather much listen to everyone else's. 
12. When someone tells me a secret, I keep it. 
13. I like photography. I enjoy taking photos of my surroundings, and videos as well. I love love love film especially! 
14. My dream job growing up was to be a surgeon, that was until I realized that I cannot see blood. I used to not be able to stand the smell of clinics and hospitals too, I've vomited several times.
15. One of my biggest pet peeves is lack of manners and common courtesy.
16. I enjoy dancing, but it frustrates me so much how I can never easily follow dance tutorials through YouTube videos :(
17. I enjoy organizing events, be it small or big. I love bringing people together. In a group, i'd say i'm often the planner. 
18. I can easily get demotivated when things don't go my way. 
19. I'm very spontaneous. I like doing things out of the blue. Routine bores me. 
20. I am traumatized by cockroaches, had a bad occurrence when I was younger where one went in my pants !!!
21. I like to create, design and edit, but am nowhere near artistic nor creative which makes everything so stressful.
22. Countryside/Island > City. Not long term though  
23. I enjoy travelling, I love exploring and learning about other cultures. 
24. I like to have my steak with soft drinks. I can never have it with drinks that aren't fizzy. 
25. My first ski experience was in Japan, my second was also in Japan. Would love to try snowboarding if I get the chance to visit again. 
26. I believe that i'm fair minded. I look into both sides of an issue before forming an opinion. Impartial judgments over personal bias.
27. I once had to be absent from school for a month because I was super sick.. and that was when I got my period for the very first time. It was hell,, wait is this considered a fact??

Whoops, I went over 22. Oh well, here are 22+5 random (read: boring) facts about me. Sending my love and prayers to everyone during this trying time, hope we can all stay healthy and positive together! Stay home, stay safe. Please. 

your departure

These days, I have so much to write about that my thoughts are a jumble. I have so much to say, yet I struggle to put my thoughts into words. This may be due to my absence in writing, but I shall give it a go. 

(November 9th, 2018)

Today marks a month—

A month ago, as I woke up, I prepared myself to bid farewell to you. Exactly a month ago, I watched you walk away from my sight. It's been a month since we said our goodbyes.

The first few days without you were the hardest. I felt lost and empty. I repeatedly asked myself, "Where do I go now? How do I start again?" I distanced myself from people and sought comfort in solitude. I can honestly say, even with time, it doesn't get easier. People often tell me it will get better, or that time will heal me, but these are merely empty phrases meant to comfort, though they don't quite do the job.

I miss you, and it hits me naturally—when I hear people using phrases you'd casually say, walking past places we've been, listening to our favourite songs, watching our team's football matches, being with our friends and noticing your absence, hearing people mention your name as if you're still here, when your presence is nowhere to be found. 

You weren't just someone I fell deeply in love with; you were my best friend, my comfort zone. You were my shoulder to cry on during my inner struggles, my support when the world felt like it was crashing down. You were there through it all—my highs, my lows—lifting me up and reminding me never concede defeat.

From time to time, I still do feel upset. I often go to bed with a heavy heart, wondering if i'll wake up stronger the next day. I still feel disappointed. But I can't and won't blame you for what happened. I know you never intended for things to end this way. I understand that in this situation, we both made sacrifices. However, it's hard to accept how it all ended—not because we wanted it this way, but because time wasn't on our side.

Despite everything, I hope you're doing well. I hope you achieve great things and find genuine happiness. You're truly a remarkable person with a pure heart and a generous soul, and I hope everyone sees you the way I do. I hope you're loved. Even though we've grown apart so painfully, I won't pretend that, at one point, you weren't one of life's greatest blessings. I remember the butterflies in my stomach every time I saw you. I remember falling in love with every part of you—your beautiful and giving heart, your infectious joy, your profound mind. I have been blessed with many gifts in this life, and knowing you was one of them.

As I write this, I'm learning to let go slowly. I'll let fate decide what's best for both of us, believing in what's meant to be, who's meant to be. Maybe we're better off this way, perhaps a brighter tomorrow awaits us. Or maybe it's just my mind trying to soothe my heart. No matter how much I wished for it, things couldn't stay the same forever. But I know for certain that a part of me will always belong to you—a piece of my heart that will forever be yours.

Maybe I'm being dramatic (very dramatic), and perhaps i'm too young to be this heartbroken over someone (100% sis no man is worth this sadness), but you were incredibly special. No one will ever understand what we had. So I'll take my time to heal, however long my heart needs.

found this while i was browsing through Instagram; 

maybe soulmate doesn't mean forever, 
maybe soulmate simply means 

remember forever.